An old journal

Posted: January 14, 2011 in music

I kept a journal in high school off and on. It began in my sophomore year, and appropriately, ended when I ran out of pages the day before I moved off to college. Looking back at it 7-8 years later is interesting. I wrote some of it in something of a stream of consciousness style that might come across as somewhat incoherent to somebody who were to stumble upon it. There are some rather eclectic (or, to put it more bluntly, random) things in there, such as a baseball standings chart I cut out of a newspaper at a point when the Royals were in first place (yes, it was early in the season!), copied song lyrics, original poetry, and some newspaper headlines I also cut out. (One says “War on Terror”). Another thing I notice is that I used a lot of profanity in some of my earlier entries, but my later entries seem mellower. This makes sense; as a high school sophomore/junior I felt very rebellious, idealistic, cynical, and angry at what I saw to be injustices in the world. Part of me is jealous at the unbridled idealism I had back then; another part is grateful for the sake of my blood pressure. Of course, in retrospect, my view of the world then seems rather naive.

One reflection of my cynicism at the time is in a poem I copied out of my French textbook, most likely while I was bored in French class. The poem is written from the perspective of a bored, daydreaming student, which fit me to a T much of the time. So much of my knowledge of French has faded over the years, which is unfortunate – I really enjoyed learning the language.

I’ve certainly changed a lot since then, and that includes my tastes in music. I found a series of music-related lists, including my favorite songs of all time. Some of the songs on the list almost bore me at this point in my life (for example, #2 on my list is Smells Like Teen Spirit, which I estimate I have heard approximately 5 million times.) Out of all ten songs I wrote down, the only one I still really listen to is the #1 on my list, Kashmir by Led Zeppelin.

Not everything changes, though. I wrote some entries about romantic frustration, which is still on my mind today, but probably not to the extent that it was when I was a hormonal, growing teenager. I also notice that I wrote a lot of my entries late at night, and wouldn’t you know, I’m typing this blog entry up past midnight right now. My sleep schedule hasn’t gotten better since high school, it’s gotten worse.

Nonetheless, looking back on who I was in the past and comparing it to who I am now is interesting. I wonder what a future me who were to stumble across some of my blog entries written around now would think. Of course, the comparison isn’t exact – writing in the privacy of a paper journal, I feel free to be more open than I do on a public blog.


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